Day 3

 I didn't blog yesterday. I am in better spirits, but still in pain. I'm not sure how I let myself get into this spot. 

Last night when I came home from work, Shane was acting petulant. I saw the "Old Shane" in his eyes, and didn't want to go there. So, I didn't. I sat on the recliner with my little Fiona Potato and watched a documentary on Natalia Grace. 

Shane waited until I was getting ready for bed before he spoke to me. When he finally started talking, he was telling me he had a job, actually 3 jobs, and he was just waiting for a call to let him know where & when. 

So, he's getting a job now? 

On November 9, 2022, I sent Shane an email which read: 

I’ve waited too long to talk to you. I don’t want to fight.

I’m concerned for your mental health. And your mental health is affecting my mental health. It’s not a good place to be.

You aren’t dying tomorrow. You aren’t disabled today. Yes, you have health issues and anxiety. But so do I. And I have to put my big girl panties on every day and go out in the world and deal. You should too.

I can deal with insecurity and anxiousness.  Being an older person, it’s hard to find a job. It’s stressful and frustrating. I get it.

But I can’t deal with lying and deception. I don’t think you are being honest with me. For example, I don’t think you have received any job offers. And that’s okay. But telling me you are getting offers that you can’t accept is killing me.

Confrontation is hard for me. Really hard.  And I am starting to wonder if that is why you are taking advantage of me.  I feel taken advantage of.

I think you have limited yourself and are making excuses to friends and family. You used to make fun of your aunt that had 12 hysterectomies. You had no respect for your uncle who wouldn’t take a job for under $100K per year. You said “If I have to flip burgers to support my family…” But you aren’t.

It’s not about the money. It’s about the honesty. When you say things that I know are untrue, you double down and get mad at me for calling you out. I’m not going to argue facts.

You have a choice to make. And your choice greatly influences my life.

Maybe you think I’m being unfair to you. But you are not being accountable. You say things that aren’t true and when I press you, you act like you’ve lost your memory. Remember, I’ve had memory issues due to health, but I’m not excusing my behavior because of that.

My compassion for you is becoming pity.

I don’t want to lose what we have had. But I’m not going to continue living the way I’m feeling. I can’t change you, but I can change me. I’m not going to make excuses for you anymore. I’m not going to limit myself on my choices because I’m not sure how you’ll act or how you’ll respond.

I’m asking you to take a look at yourself right now. You have pushed all your friends away. You talk to your mom like you are on your death bed. You are convinced people are “investigating” you. If you are being honest, you shouldn’t worry about the “investigation.” The facts will speak loud enough.

So, what is Plan B? Because Plan A isn’t working. 

It's time to fix it. 

That was 6 months ago. And nothing has changed.